Monuments to where I have been… [entries|friends|calendar] And melodies to where I am going. [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[13 Nov 2009|02:29pm] Missing him more than usual today. I can never wait to sleep so the possibility of dreaming might bring me closer to you. Witness newborn nebulaes in bloom

[16 Jun 2009|10:22pm] sometimes I don't even know who I am anymore. 1 | Witness newborn nebulaes in bloom

[07 Apr 2009|11:31pm] I miss you. 1 | Witness newborn nebulaes in bloom

[24 Mar 2009|10:43pm] I haven't updated this thing in quite a while. But I think its time that I do.  This may not be long as I may not be able to handle writing anything lengthy at this point.  I was told Sunday evening by a friend that Steven had passed away.  I actually, had first heard about it by the facebook group made in his behalf. My heart sank when I saw it because I hadn't been able to get ahold of him in a week, and even last Monday I felt like something wasn't right.  I remember how I felt when Morgan told me that it was all true..and how it had happened.  I felt the breath escape me, and my heart sink even further into my stomach. Nothing felt real.  I'm not really sure it ever will. I know Steven and I's relationship ended over a year ago, but I guess you kind of always hang out to the first person you loved.  I guess I always figured that even if we weren't together, that we'd still always be in each other's lives until we were old and wrinkly.  We had just started speaking again back in December and made peace with things from the past, and even had decided on beginning a new friendship. We talked almost everyday online, until a few weeks ago, we decided to meet in person for the first time. It was awkward at first when he got in the car...here was the man I had loved for so long...here was all this history..here was this bad ending hanging over our heads.  After we got to Panera, things lightened up and we shared some laughs..and it felt as if nothing bad had ever happened between us.  I know now that I will miss out on a new friendship that could have been spectacular..because we just understood each other.  We knew how each other worked..we knew each others beliefs and morals.  We knew when the other was upset but didn't want to show it. We knew when we just needed someone to talk to.  I knew something was bothering him that day. He talked a little about the problems with his girlfriend.  But he seemed okay.  I remember when he mentioned that he was ready to leave..I had a hesitancy...I wasn't ready to go. I felt like there were other things to discuss. He could tell I felt this, as after I dropped him off, he said he knew that I wasn't ready to leave yet.  He told me goodbye..and said that we'd work out another time with our schedules. But this never happened. I am going to be grieving your death for a very long time.  I'm trying to understand why you did what you did. I know what you've been through during all these years. I understand that. I guess I just wish I could have done more. Been there more for you.  I know it wasn't my fault, but I feel like maybe if I would have pushed you a little more to tell me what else was wrong, maybe I could have helped you.  I have been wondering very often what your life was like the very last few minutes before you died.  If you doubted your upcoming actions at all, if you looked back at your life, if you smiled, if you cried. What were you thinking?  Were you really in that much pain? Or were you just ready to go?  I wish you would have called me..I wish you would have called anyone.  I just wish you were still here. I would be talking to you right now if you were here..just about the small things in life..but you still would have made them seem important.  You encouraged me so much in the last few weeks.  You told me not to give up on school. You told me to never let anyone make me feel that I am not beautiful. I'm not sure you realized how much of an affect you've had on peoples lives...on my life. I will never EVER forget you. I will never forget the things I learned from you..the feelings I felt for you...all the memories we shared.  You were something so very special. I will forever miss everything about you...even the way you teased me.  I will miss your laugh. You could make me laugh even if I was so angry you at you..in the drop of a hat.  I have all kinds of memories in my room of you..and I'm almost afraid of getting them out. I'm afraid of being sad. I have so many pictures of you that I took from photography class of you with your guitar...I have cards you made me...the flowers you sent me on valentines day.  Man..Steven..I still can't believe you're gone. I know that people say that you are in a better place..and I'm so very glad that whatever pain you were feeling, you aren't anymore..but I wish you were here, as selfish as that may be. I wish you had been here and had all the happiness in the world like you deserved. Not everyone got to see how compassionate you were. You cared so much for people.  I'll never forget our first kiss and how excited I was when it happened.  I dunno. I have so many memories. I'm not sure I can share much more at this time.  It gets too hard. Steven, I just wish I could have been there more for you.  I wish there was another way out from the pain than what you chose. I wish you were here right now. I miss you more than words can say. I can only hope that I make it through tomorrow. You will always forever be my teebie. 3 | Witness newborn nebulaes in bloom

The world's a roller coaster, and I am not strapped in.. [13 Jul 2008|02:50am] It's been forever since I've written in this thing, and honestly, so much has changed with my life I'm not even sure where to start. It's crazy to see my life is completely different than what I've been used to living it for the past 5 or so years. I can say though, that I'm happier than I've been in a very long time. I'm not even sure where my last actual posting of my life left off so some of this might repeat a lot. For starters, Steven and I have been broken up for quite some time now. Of course, I was very upset at the time, but after being away from him (and no longer even being on speaking terms) I've realized a lot about the situation I was in and how much I needed to get away from all that. I wish him the best in whatever he decides to do with his life, but I can say that I'm glad things worked out the way they did. I'm beginning to see that I probably wasn't in love with him at all the last year we were together, but I just wanted to be loved period. There was so much wrong with our relationship, and at times, he treated me like dirt. So I'm not really sure how I thought I felt "love" during all this time. It's weird because imagine being with someone for almost 4 years, then all of a sudden being completely non-existent to them all together. It feels almost as though none of that time was even real, like that was really someone else living my life. Now, I'm with someone else. His name is Brian, and we've been together now for about 8 months. I couldn't be happier at the moment. I really thought when Steven and I broke up that I couldn't love anyone else, because Steven was all that I saw, but I've been surprised to find that the feelings of love came very quickly. I'm hoping that things work out between us. I feel for once that I'm in a normal, healthy relationship. I hope that there are only good things to come for us. :) It's also strange how when one big thing changes in your life, a lot of other changes happen too.  I don't hang out with some of the same people that I used to. The friends I'm referring to are still on speaking terms, but we aren't nearly as close, and it's sad. But I guess people grow apart and just grow up in general. Maybe the differences in me after breaking up with Steven caused some of these things, but I know I am a better person now because of all that. I'm still in nursing school. I'm currently taking summer school 4 days a week, which blows. But I'm getting through it and working really hard so I can graduate and all that good stuff. I'm tired a lot and barely have a social life anymore, but I keep getting told that it'll be worth it..so let's hope. I'm learning a lot which is exciting and scary at the same time. I start my clinicals in the fall, which is even more scary. I'm not used to the environment of a hospital at all...and seriously have no clue what I'm doing, so I hope it works out. I'm also taking a speech class online currently. And if you know me, you know I'm REALLY hating that too.But there's only 3 more weeks of the class. I'm going to cedar point next friday. I leave on thursday with Megan, Brian, and Brian's friend Greg. I'm really excited! I don't get much of a vacation this summer. I got a week off at the end of June, and I get two weeks off before fall semester so I dont get much of a break. The four of us went to King's Island in June. I had a blast! Oh, I'm also now working at a daycare in Chesterfield. It's a lot of fun. I get paid to just watch and play with kids all day. So my life has been pretty hectic as of late. I feel I'm constantly doing something or have something I need to do, and I'm usually tired. But I really haven't been happier. I feel more at ease about life, and even though things haven't fallen into place, and I have no idea where my life is going, I'm comfortable with that. I'm just trying to enjoy things as much as I can. 5 | Witness newborn nebulaes in bloom

[24 Feb 2008|01:55am] Hey, I wanna crawl out of my skin Apologize for all my sins All the things I should have said to you Hey, I can't make it go away Over and over in my brain again All the things I should have said to you Counting stars wishing I was okay Crashing down was my biggest mistake I never ever ever meant to hurt you I only did what I had to Counting stars again Hey, I'll take this day by day by day Under the covers I'm okay I guess Life's too short and I feel small Counting stars again Counting stars again Counting stars again Counting stars again Counting stars again Witness newborn nebulaes in bloom

[23 Jan 2008|02:45pm] I took advantage Of a straight believing town That tore the bandage And said look who's bleeding now Are you listening or are you faithless like the others Long days are almost here Faded signs for you I'll be waiting all day I've been waiting all year For you it's true He's been beaten Might have brought it on himself So he stopped reading Every book on mental health But alls not lost in this tangle like no other Long days are almost here Faded signs for you I'll be waiting all day I've been waiting all year For you it's true Take this dose and go Whiskey warm September The faded sign will show That he still remembers Long days are almost here Faded signs for you I'll be waiting all day I've been waiting all year For you it's true Waiting all day Waiting all year I'll be waiting all day I'll be waiting all year Witness newborn nebulaes in bloom

[28 Dec 2007|11:19pm] Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong but rejoices in the right.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never ends. Witness newborn nebulaes in bloom

Non-existent [26 Dec 2007|03:31am] Yes, yes..that's what I am. It's not much fun being invisible. Witness newborn nebulaes in bloom

I didn't mean to waste your time [24 Dec 2007|07:31pm] I feel pretty sad. This Christmas is gonna suck. Witness newborn nebulaes in bloom

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