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Monuments to where I have been… [entries|friends|calendar]
And melodies to where I am going.

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[16 Mar 2011|10:56pm]
Lots on my mind right now. I'm attempting once again for the 500th time to try to lose weight. I'm feeling the pressure even more because the wedding is only about 6 months away..and I weigh the heaviest I've ever been. For as motivated as I have been in the past to lose weight, its very simple for me to say... "OK.. I'm going to eat well and exercise and I'll be fine"...and I do, but then this crazy thing happens where I dont lose any weight. In fact, sometimes I feel like I've even gained weight. This has led me to the conclusion that PCOS SUCKS. I feel like no matter how hard I try, I never get anywhere. I feel like I'm trapped in this stupid body that I'm not supposed to be in. The last time I saw my doctor last June for a check-up, she asked me about any concerns I had. Every time I see her, I mention how hard I try to lose weight, and how little progress I make. She normally just suggests that I eat more, smaller meals a day. That lasts for a little while, then I get super hungry and can't keep it up. She tells me to eat whole grains and to watch my carb intake..which I do no matter how hard it kills me to give up potatoes and bread. The only time I lost even a little bit of weight was when I felt starved constantly. Well the last visit, I told her I've tried everything but nothing seemed to work. She mentioned that she could put me on Metformin. I'm always very uneasy about being put on any medication..go figure with me being a nurse. I don't like taking BC to treat the PCOS hormonal issues. I constantly worry about side effects...mostly having blood clots. Here lately, those feelings have intensified with leg pains I've been getting. Its caused me to become super anxious at night, thinking I wont wake up after one of these said blood clots travel to my lungs giving me a PE. So..yes..I've been very paranoid. I dont even like taking medication for headaches..so the idea of having to take another medication for this stupid disease has me torn. My dad has been on it before for his diabetes, and was recently taken off of it, as he was having decreased kidney function. I'm due to go back to the doctor for another yearly visit this June; however, I had to switch doctors as my job made its employees choose a physician from a list. I'm considering getting this new doctor's opinion on what I should do... The problem is, not many doctors are very familiar with PCOS..and the benefit I did have was my previous doctor actually had it herself. I, from time to time, look up different things online..mostly forums of women who have the disease and noticed that another symptom seems to be depression..which is something I am also dealing with. I feel like I never have any energy. When I do have days off, all I want to do is lay around. I feel like my life is lack-luster. I am depressed about not really seeing any friends anymore, but the prospect of myself making some plans occasionally to fix this problem seems daunting. I'm just at a point where I feel like I can't take it anymore. I know I'm not extremely overweight. But I'm no where near comfortable in my body. I'm so tired of trying all the time and having to struggle so much, only to gain weight..and still not be able to enjoy the things that I eat. I just for once want to be proud of what I look like and not feel self-conscious...or feel guilty for eating anything that I put in my mouth. Why is happiness so hard to achieve?
1 | Witness newborn nebulaes in bloom

[21 Jan 2011|10:19pm]
It's funny how I only feel the need to write in this thing when I feel like shit. So I'll start out with some positive things. We've moved into our new house. Everything is settled for now, although we don't really have much furniture. We set the date for our wedding on September 17th, 2011. I bought my wedding dress last Saturday. Everyone seemed to really love it. My mom cried and all that jazz. It's definitely not the style that I went out searching for, but I guess that's normal. So I've been trying to get some wedding planning things done.

I'm still dealing with some of the same issues I have been since the last post. I think I expected all my emotional feelings to be dealt with once I finally moved out. But things have really been more magnified. I feel dissatisfied with work and my personal life. When Brian isn't around, I'm here by myself, which isn't something I'm used to. I don't really know what to do with myself when no one is around. I'm trying to use positive thinking to elevate my moods, but it doesn't always help. I feel completely out of the loop when everyone else is so far away. I think one of the things moving out is going to make me accomplish is being okay with being alone. I'm kind of forced into it.. forced into really getting to know who the hell I am. Because you'd think I'd know that by now. I just remember how excited and anxious I was for adulthood to get here, and now that it's here, I'm disappointed. It's strange how friends and family grow in different directions and how much things really change in no time at all.

I think I might cut this short and write more in the days to come. Gotta get ready for bed.. work in the early A.M. :/
Witness newborn nebulaes in bloom

Adult things and such [18 Nov 2010|10:19pm]
I suppose now is a good time as any to update a few things going on in my life. Feeling incredibly down the last few weeks despite good things going on in my life. Brian and I purchased a house a few weeks ago. We are waiting for everything to be finalized. Closing date is supposed to be December 19th. Not sure if we'll be moving in before or after Christmas. The house is in Fortville. I'm pretty excited about it all, but it's still quite overwhelming. Also, I am now engaged. Brian proposed August 16th at Lake Michigan. No set date just yet. We are aiming for next September or October. We have been looking at different places to have the wedding. So we'll see I guess.

I guess that's all that's new. Pretty big things I suppose. For some reason, I'm still plagued by a lot of sadness. I'm still having the issue of having no one to hang around with. I'm not really busy I suppose, I only work 3 days/week. But I suppose since leaving for school and staying so busy with it, others have moved on. I feel lonely a lot. I know it will probably only get worse once we move because Brian works a lot. I feel like I'm in this really weird transitional phase right now, but I am in incredible need for my friends. I suppose there is something I could do about it all...find more friends..pick up hobbies... something other than what I'm doing now.

Work is going well. I work the next 3 days..which means I miss Brian and I's 3 year anniversary and his birthday as well. That is pretty depressing. Also, I'll be working both days that he has off during the week. Most days I feel like I enjoy my job for the most part. But I still feel such dread going into work the days I do have to be there. I dunno if it's because there is something seriously lacking in my personal life, or what. I can't really remember the last time I've actually had fun. Getting older is so weird. It feels like everything completely changes, including everyone around you. I know this is necessary in most cases, I just wish it didn't happen so suddenly. Or maybe it didn't happen suddenly at all. Maybe I was just too busy to notice anything.

I suppose this is enough bitching for tonight. Off to bed I guess..
2 | Witness newborn nebulaes in bloom

[11 Nov 2010|11:49pm]
What's funny is I have so many new things going on in my life, yet feel like I have nothing to say here at all. Go figure...
1 | Witness newborn nebulaes in bloom

[03 Sep 2010|11:02pm]
So for the fourth time in the last 2 months at work (and only at work does this happen!) I've been asked by patients if I'm pregnant. This last time after I said no, the lady goes, "well you need to start working that belly down then,huh?". So after this fourth time, I've finally decided I'm sick and tired of being asked if I'm pregnant. I gotta drag my ass back to the gym again and get into good habits once again. Went to the grocery and got some healthy stuff to pack for lunches at work. Now just to get enough motivation to go back to the gym again. Went on a walk twice this week outside. I think I'm just so unmotivated because of the long 7 month time period where I was religiously going to the gym and eating right and still not losing anything. I'm afraid its just going to happen again. I guess I just wasn't working hard enough? Its hard to also get enough motivation because I want to spend time with Brian because he works so much and we hardly get to see each other. So during my free time, the last thing I want to do is go to the gym. But obviously something has to change. I've not gained weight in the last several years to make someone think I'm pregnant, so maybe I've looked this way the whole time. Plus with getting married and all, I guess its time I start losing weight. So we'll see how this goes. My sister went to the doctor and he gave her different food lists that we can have since we have PCOS. I guess I can only have 17 carbs per meal...with not going over 60 carbs per day. I've restricted carbs before, but never to 60 a day. But I'm guessing this has been my problem the whole time, and why I didnt lose weight the first time I was trying so hard. I believe I limited my carbs to 30 per meal. So maybe this is the difference I need. Stupid PCOS...
1 | Witness newborn nebulaes in bloom

I was bad news for you just because, I never meant to hurt you [26 Aug 2010|10:20pm]
It's hard to explain what I have been feeling lately. In some sense, I feel like I should be so thrilled about the happenings in my life right now. Graduated from school. No more homework. New job. Engaged. However, life still somehow feels stagnant.

On days off from work, I don't really do anything. I've lost a lot of hobbies that I once had before I went to college. It feels like I put my life on hold when I went to school, and now that I'm out, everyone has moved on with their lives. My fiance isn't excited about anything anymore because he is miserable with his current job. He's not excited about our engagement, nor about possibly moving in together soon. Nothing.

I think maybe I'm just going through this period of depression. Maybe it really doesn't have anything to do with what's going on around me. I feel so far away from where I'd like to be in my life, or where I felt like I'd be. I feel like I'm young, and I should be enjoying myself.

I'm hoping this feeling starts to change soon. Not sure how much longer I can stay in this limbo.
3 | Witness newborn nebulaes in bloom

[13 Nov 2009|02:29pm]
Missing him more than usual today. I can never wait to sleep so the possibility of dreaming might bring me closer to you.
Witness newborn nebulaes in bloom

[16 Jun 2009|10:22pm]
sometimes I don't even know who I am anymore.
1 | Witness newborn nebulaes in bloom

[07 Apr 2009|11:31pm]
I miss you.
1 | Witness newborn nebulaes in bloom

[24 Mar 2009|10:43pm]
I haven't updated this thing in quite a while. But I think its time that I do.  This may not be long as I may not be able to handle writing anything lengthy at this point.  I was told Sunday evening by a friend that Steven had passed away.  I actually, had first heard about it by the facebook group made in his behalf. My heart sank when I saw it because I hadn't been able to get ahold of him in a week, and even last Monday I felt like something wasn't right.  I remember how I felt when Morgan told me that it was all true..and how it had happened.  I felt the breath escape me, and my heart sink even further into my stomach. Nothing felt real.  I'm not really sure it ever will. I know Steven and I's relationship ended over a year ago, but I guess you kind of always hang out to the first person you loved.  I guess I always figured that even if we weren't together, that we'd still always be in each other's lives until we were old and wrinkly.  We had just started speaking again back in December and made peace with things from the past, and even had decided on beginning a new friendship. We talked almost everyday online, until a few weeks ago, we decided to meet in person for the first time. It was awkward at first when he got in the car...here was the man I had loved for so long...here was all this history..here was this bad ending hanging over our heads.  After we got to Panera, things lightened up and we shared some laughs..and it felt as if nothing bad had ever happened between us.  I know now that I will miss out on a new friendship that could have been spectacular..because we just understood each other.  We knew how each other worked..we knew each others beliefs and morals.  We knew when the other was upset but didn't want to show it. We knew when we just needed someone to talk to.  I knew something was bothering him that day. He talked a little about the problems with his girlfriend.  But he seemed okay.  I remember when he mentioned that he was ready to leave..I had a hesitancy...I wasn't ready to go. I felt like there were other things to discuss. He could tell I felt this, as after I dropped him off, he said he knew that I wasn't ready to leave yet.  He told me goodbye..and said that we'd work out another time with our schedules. But this never happened. I am going to be grieving your death for a very long time.  I'm trying to understand why you did what you did. I know what you've been through during all these years. I understand that. I guess I just wish I could have done more. Been there more for you.  I know it wasn't my fault, but I feel like maybe if I would have pushed you a little more to tell me what else was wrong, maybe I could have helped you.  I have been wondering very often what your life was like the very last few minutes before you died.  If you doubted your upcoming actions at all, if you looked back at your life, if you smiled, if you cried. What were you thinking?  Were you really in that much pain? Or were you just ready to go?  I wish you would have called me..I wish you would have called anyone.  I just wish you were still here. I would be talking to you right now if you were here..just about the small things in life..but you still would have made them seem important.  You encouraged me so much in the last few weeks.  You told me not to give up on school. You told me to never let anyone make me feel that I am not beautiful. I'm not sure you realized how much of an affect you've had on peoples lives...on my life. I will never EVER forget you. I will never forget the things I learned from you..the feelings I felt for you...all the memories we shared.  You were something so very special. I will forever miss everything about you...even the way you teased me.  I will miss your laugh. You could make me laugh even if I was so angry you at you..in the drop of a hat.  I have all kinds of memories in my room of you..and I'm almost afraid of getting them out. I'm afraid of being sad. I have so many pictures of you that I took from photography class of you with your guitar...I have cards you made me...the flowers you sent me on valentines day.  Man..Steven..I still can't believe you're gone. I know that people say that you are in a better place..and I'm so very glad that whatever pain you were feeling, you aren't anymore..but I wish you were here, as selfish as that may be. I wish you had been here and had all the happiness in the world like you deserved. Not everyone got to see how compassionate you were. You cared so much for people.  I'll never forget our first kiss and how excited I was when it happened.  I dunno. I have so many memories. I'm not sure I can share much more at this time.  It gets too hard. Steven, I just wish I could have been there more for you.  I wish there was another way out from the pain than what you chose. I wish you were here right now. I miss you more than words can say. I can only hope that I make it through tomorrow. You will always forever be my teebie.
3 | Witness newborn nebulaes in bloom

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