I haven't updated this thing in quite a while. But I think its time that I do.  This may not be long as I may not be able to handle writing anything lengthy at this point.  I was told Sunday evening by a friend that Steven had passed away.  I actually, had first heard about it by the facebook group made in his behalf. My heart sank when I saw it because I hadn't been able to get ahold of him in a week, and even last Monday I felt like something wasn't right.  I remember how I felt when Morgan told me that it was all true..and how it had happened.  I felt the breath escape me, and my heart sink even further into my stomach. Nothing felt real.  I'm not really sure it ever will. I know Steven and I's relationship ended over a year ago, but I guess you kind of always hang out to the first person you loved.  I guess I always figured that even if we weren't together, that we'd still always be in each other's lives until we were old and wrinkly.  We had just started speaking again back in December and made peace with things from the past, and even had decided on beginning a new friendship. We talked almost everyday online, until a few weeks ago, we decided to meet in person for the first time. It was awkward at first when he got in the car...here was the man I had loved for so long...here was all this history..here was this bad ending hanging over our heads.  After we got to Panera, things lightened up and we shared some laughs..and it felt as if nothing bad had ever happened between us.  I know now that I will miss out on a new friendship that could have been spectacular..because we just understood each other.  We knew how each other worked..we knew each others beliefs and morals.  We knew when the other was upset but didn't want to show it. We knew when we just needed someone to talk to.  I knew something was bothering him that day. He talked a little about the problems with his girlfriend.  But he seemed okay.  I remember when he mentioned that he was ready to leave..I had a hesitancy...I wasn't ready to go. I felt like there were other things to discuss. He could tell I felt this, as after I dropped him off, he said he knew that I wasn't ready to leave yet.  He told me goodbye..and said that we'd work out another time with our schedules. But this never happened. I am going to be grieving your death for a very long time.  I'm trying to understand why you did what you did. I know what you've been through during all these years. I understand that. I guess I just wish I could have done more. Been there more for you.  I know it wasn't my fault, but I feel like maybe if I would have pushed you a little more to tell me what else was wrong, maybe I could have helped you.  I have been wondering very often what your life was like the very last few minutes before you died.  If you doubted your upcoming actions at all, if you looked back at your life, if you smiled, if you cried. What were you thinking?  Were you really in that much pain? Or were you just ready to go?  I wish you would have called me..I wish you would have called anyone.  I just wish you were still here. I would be talking to you right now if you were here..just about the small things in life..but you still would have made them seem important.  You encouraged me so much in the last few weeks.  You told me not to give up on school. You told me to never let anyone make me feel that I am not beautiful. I'm not sure you realized how much of an affect you've had on peoples lives...on my life. I will never EVER forget you. I will never forget the things I learned from you..the feelings I felt for you...all the memories we shared.  You were something so very special. I will forever miss everything about you...even the way you teased me.  I will miss your laugh. You could make me laugh even if I was so angry you at you..in the drop of a hat.  I have all kinds of memories in my room of you..and I'm almost afraid of getting them out. I'm afraid of being sad. I have so many pictures of you that I took from photography class of you with your guitar...I have cards you made me...the flowers you sent me on valentines day.  Man..Steven..I still can't believe you're gone. I know that people say that you are in a better place..and I'm so very glad that whatever pain you were feeling, you aren't anymore..but I wish you were here, as selfish as that may be. I wish you had been here and had all the happiness in the world like you deserved. Not everyone got to see how compassionate you were. You cared so much for people.  I'll never forget our first kiss and how excited I was when it happened.  I dunno. I have so many memories. I'm not sure I can share much more at this time.  It gets too hard. Steven, I just wish I could have been there more for you.  I wish there was another way out from the pain than what you chose. I wish you were here right now. I miss you more than words can say. I can only hope that I make it through tomorrow. You will always forever be my teebie.