Monuments to where I have been…

ercka @ 2009-11-13T14:29:00

2009-11-13T19:29:33Z

Missing him more than usual today. I can never wait to sleep so the possibility of dreaming might bring me closer to you.

ercka @ 2009-06-16T22:22:00

2009-06-17T02:22:24Z

sometimes I don't even know who I am anymore.

ercka @ 2009-04-07T23:31:00

2009-04-08T03:31:34Z

I miss you.

ercka @ 2009-03-24T22:43:00

2009-03-25T03:07:08Z

I haven't updated this thing in quite a while. But I think its time that I do. This may not be long as I may not be able to handle writing anything lengthy at this point. I was told Sunday evening by a friend that Steven had passed away. I actually, had first heard about it by the facebook group made in his behalf. My heart sank when I saw it because I hadn't been able to get ahold of him in a week, and even last Monday I felt like something wasn't right. I remember how I felt when Morgan told me that it was all true..and how it had happened. I felt the breath escape me, and my heart sink even further into my stomach. Nothing felt real. I'm not really sure it ever will. I know Steven and I's relationship ended over a year ago, but I guess you kind of always hang out to the first person you loved. I guess I always figured that even if we weren't together, that we'd still always be in each other's lives until we were old and wrinkly. We had just started speaking again back in December and made peace with things from the past, and even had decided on beginning a new friendship. We talked almost everyday online, until a few weeks ago, we decided to meet in person for the first time. It was awkward at first when he got in the car...here was the man I had loved for so long...here was all this history..here was this bad ending hanging over our heads. After we got to Panera, things lightened up and we shared some laughs..and it felt as if nothing bad had ever happened between us. I know now that I will miss out on a new friendship that could have been spectacular..because we just understood each other. We knew how each other worked..we knew each others beliefs and morals. We knew when the other was upset but didn't want to show it. We knew when we just needed someone to talk to. I knew something was bothering him that day. He talked a little about the problems with his girlfriend. But he seemed okay. I remember when he mentioned that he was ready to leave..I had a hesitancy...I wasn't ready to go. I felt like there were other things to discuss. He could tell I felt this, as after I dropped him off, he said he knew that I wasn't ready to leave yet. He told me goodbye..and said that we'd work out another time with our schedules. But this never happened. I am going to be grieving your death for a very long time. I'm trying to understand why you did what you did. I know what you've been through during all these years. I understand that. I guess I just wish I could have done more. Been there more for you. I know it wasn't my fault, but I feel like maybe if I would have pushed you a little more to tell me what else was wrong, maybe I could have helped you. I have been wondering very often what your life was like the very last few minutes before you died. If you doubted your upcoming actions at all, if you looked back at your life, if you smiled, if you cried. What were you thinking? Were you really in that much pain? Or were you just ready to go? I wish you would have called me..I wish you would have called anyone. I just wish you were still here. I would be talking to you right now if you were here..just about the small things in life..but you still would have made them seem important. You encouraged me so much in the last few weeks. You told me not to give up on school. You told me to never let anyone make me feel that I am not beautiful. I'm not sure you realized how much of an affect you've had on peoples lives...on my life. I will never EVER forget you. I will never forget the things I learned from you..the feelings I felt for you...all the memories we shared. You were something so very special. I will forever miss everything about you...even the way you teased me. I will miss your laugh. You could make me laugh even if I was so angry you at you..in the drop of a hat. I have all kinds of memories in my room of you..and I'm almost afraid of getting them out. I'm afraid of being sad. I have so many pictures of you that I took from photography class of you with your guitar...I have cards you made me...the flowers you sent me on valentines day. Man..Steven..I still can't believe you're gone. I know that people say that you are in a better place..and I'm so very glad that whatever pain you were feeling, you aren't anymore..but I wish you were here, as selfish as that may be. I wish you had been here and had all the happiness in the world like you deserved. Not everyone got to see how compassionate you were. You cared so much for people. I'll never forget our first kiss and how excited I was when it happened. I dunno. I have so many memories. I'm not sure I can share much more at this time. It gets too hard. Steven, I just wish I could have been there more for you. I wish there was another way out from the pain than what you chose. I wish you were here right now. I miss you more than words can say. I can only hope that I make it through tomorrow. You will always forever be my teebie.

The world's a roller coaster, and I am not strapped in..

2008-07-13T07:10:27Z

It's been forever since I've written in this thing, and honestly, so much has changed with my life I'm not even sure where to start. It's crazy to see my life is completely different than what I've been used to living it for the past 5 or so years. I can say though, that I'm happier than I've been in a very long time. I'm not even sure where my last actual posting of my life left off so some of this might repeat a lot.

For starters, Steven and I have been broken up for quite some time now. Of course, I was very upset at the time, but after being away from him (and no longer even being on speaking terms) I've realized a lot about the situation I was in and how much I needed to get away from all that. I wish him the best in whatever he decides to do with his life, but I can say that I'm glad things worked out the way they did. I'm beginning to see that I probably wasn't in love with him at all the last year we were together, but I just wanted to be loved period. There was so much wrong with our relationship, and at times, he treated me like dirt. So I'm not really sure how I thought I felt "love" during all this time. It's weird because imagine being with someone for almost 4 years, then all of a sudden being completely non-existent to them all together. It feels almost as though none of that time was even real, like that was really someone else living my life.

Now, I'm with someone else. His name is Brian, and we've been together now for about 8 months. I couldn't be happier at the moment. I really thought when Steven and I broke up that I couldn't love anyone else, because Steven was all that I saw, but I've been surprised to find that the feelings of love came very quickly. I'm hoping that things work out between us. I feel for once that I'm in a normal, healthy relationship. I hope that there are only good things to come for us. :)

It's also strange how when one big thing changes in your life, a lot of other changes happen too. I don't hang out with some of the same people that I used to. The friends I'm referring to are still on speaking terms, but we aren't nearly as close, and it's sad. But I guess people grow apart and just grow up in general. Maybe the differences in me after breaking up with Steven caused some of these things, but I know I am a better person now because of all that.

I'm still in nursing school. I'm currently taking summer school 4 days a week, which blows. But I'm getting through it and working really hard so I can graduate and all that good stuff. I'm tired a lot and barely have a social life anymore, but I keep getting told that it'll be worth it..so let's hope. I'm learning a lot which is exciting and scary at the same time. I start my clinicals in the fall, which is even more scary. I'm not used to the environment of a hospital at all...and seriously have no clue what I'm doing, so I hope it works out. I'm also taking a speech class online currently. And if you know me, you know I'm REALLY hating that too.But there's only 3 more weeks of the class.

I'm going to cedar point next friday. I leave on thursday with Megan, Brian, and Brian's friend Greg. I'm really excited! I don't get much of a vacation this summer. I got a week off at the end of June, and I get two weeks off before fall semester so I dont get much of a break. The four of us went to King's Island in June. I had a blast!

Oh, I'm also now working at a daycare in Chesterfield. It's a lot of fun. I get paid to just watch and play with kids all day. So my life has been pretty hectic as of late. I feel I'm constantly doing something or have something I need to do, and I'm usually tired. But I really haven't been happier. I feel more at ease about life, and even though things haven't fallen into place, and I have no idea where my life is going, I'm comfortable with that. I'm just trying to enjoy things as much as I can.

ercka @ 2008-02-24T01:55:00

2008-02-24T06:56:34Z

Hey, I wanna crawl out of my skin
Apologize for all my sins
All the things I should have said to you
Hey, I can't make it go away
Over and over in my brain again
All the things I should have said to you

Counting stars wishing I was okay
Crashing down was my biggest mistake
I never ever ever meant to hurt you
I only did what I had to
Counting stars again

Hey, I'll take this day by day by day
Under the covers I'm okay I guess
Life's too short and I feel small

Counting stars again
Counting stars again
Counting stars again
Counting stars again
Counting stars again

ercka @ 2008-01-23T14:45:00

2008-01-23T19:46:44Z

I took advantage
Of a straight believing town
That tore the bandage
And said look who's bleeding now
Are you listening or are you faithless like the others
Long days are almost here
Faded signs for you

I'll be waiting all day
I've been waiting all year
For you it's true
He's been beaten
Might have brought it on himself
So he stopped reading
Every book on mental health
But alls not lost in this tangle like no other

Long days are almost here
Faded signs for you
I'll be waiting all day
I've been waiting all year
For you it's true

Take this dose and go
Whiskey warm September
The faded sign will show
That he still remembers

Long days are almost here
Faded signs for you
I'll be waiting all day
I've been waiting all year
For you it's true

Waiting all day
Waiting all year

I'll be waiting all day
I'll be waiting all year

ercka @ 2007-12-28T23:19:00

2007-12-29T04:21:07Z

Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

Non-existent

2007-12-26T08:34:24Z

Yes, yes..that's what I am.

It's not much fun being invisible.

I didn't mean to waste your time

2007-12-25T00:32:17Z

I feel pretty sad.

This Christmas is gonna suck.

ercka @ 2007-12-24T03:10:00

2007-12-24T08:10:53Z

I can't sleep.

: (

I'm tired of being lonely..

2007-12-21T05:03:29Z

I've been on the verge of tears all night, but I'm trying to stay strong.

I can't do this much longer.

This is the first time I think I may have ever felt that there really is no purpose for me being on this earth. I'm not trying to gain pity, attention, or any other stupid thing. I honestly have no idea why I'm here. Ive been doing so well in not being so sad..but today has definitely been the worst I've experienced in a long time.

I just don't know how much longer I can carry on living this way.

I feel I have no where to turn. I'm more alone than I've ever been.

Really, why wasn't I the one dead in November of 2003?

Those leaving words, hang strong from an emptiness

2007-12-03T23:24:43Z

My hand won't hold you down no more
The path is clear to follow through
I stood too long in the way of the door
And now I'm giving up on you

I want your warmth, but it will only make me colder when it's over

2007-11-30T07:44:22Z

This week has been quite tiring. I finally am able to get some sleep tonight.

I feel very indifferent about some things in my life right now.

I don't really know what to write. I just have this weird feeling. Something that is hiding..but flirting with the surface.

I had a weird dream last night. I dreamed that I was sleeping..having a dream. But somehow I knew someone was in the room about to attack me, but I couldn't wake up. I ended up doing that whole paralyzed thing a few times during the night. I was half awake..and wanted to get up, but my body wouldn't. Also, during my dream..although it felt quite real, I felt this weird vibration running on my face and on my whole head.

My niece has surgery tomorrow morning.

I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few days. It's been very distracting. Sometimes I really just wish I could go through some of the days I have being completely absent-minded and invisible.

ercka @ 2007-11-25T21:36:00

2007-11-26T02:40:00Z

And so the plot thickens.

More and more things are being revealed. Tonight just might be the night I end up truly hating someone.

Good job for being a bigger liar than I ever dreamed. Good job for being a hypocrite.

I hope you are happy with the person you have become.

And to think, you tried to make me feel bad for what I did..

ercka @ 2007-11-25T20:01:00

2007-11-26T01:05:59Z

It's incredibly interesting what you learn about someone who you thought you knew. To think you knew everything, when really you might know nothing at all.

Really makes me wonder if I was ever cheated on.

ercka @ 2007-11-25T16:40:00

2007-11-25T21:40:22Z

I guess I shouldn't expect to be that lucky..

ercka @ 2007-11-16T23:56:00

2007-11-17T05:06:02Z

I'm having a really lonely day. The kind where I don't know what to do with myself. I'm thinking things I know I probably shouldnt..things that wouldn't even matter if I would.

I haven't felt this sad in a little while.

I'm so isolated from everyone. It's so strange to think of my life just a few months ago and compare it to today. I don't even hang out with anyone. No one calls me. I no longer receive texts. I pretty much don't exist most of the time.

And these times I start to wonder, whats the point? What's the point in feeling like this? What's the point in living like this?

I feel so uneasy in my heart. I just want this feeling to go away so badly.

What is it that really matters in this life? Is it the love we have for one another? Is it how successful you are? I'm starting to feel like nothing matters. There's no point, right?

Right now, I'd really like someone to talk to. I'd really like it if someone would just hug me. I want to feel something...something other than whats been trapped in me for so long. I want to let out all the hurt I've been carrying with me for the past 5 years.

I need someone to lend their ear and not judge. Not tell me that they are sick of hearing about the same thing from me. To tell me that they don't care if they've heard the same names over and over again..that they care.

I need someone to hold me..just for a little while and tell me it will all be okay one day.

I can't feel like this for too much longer. I feel I might explode.

try tellin me off try slammin the door, telling me im not worth your time or the breath im breathing

2007-11-14T06:19:14Z

I feel like my whole life is in chaos.

Everything in it has changed. Nothing is normal. I doubt it will ever be normal again.

I dont know if I can handle much more stress.

I dont know if I can take any more fighting between numerous people.

I dont know if I can handle yet another person hating me.

-------------------------------
I did a sick, sick thing to my love.
My lack of loyalty, it swallowed her up.
And she cooks me food.
She squirmed and turned like a skeleton key.

She left her man unattended to me.
Don't call me that.
Don't claim you love me
cause you know that ain't true.

And you're finally free
to twist and turn like a skeleton key.

You've gotta let me know.
You've gotta let me know.

I did a horrible thing to that girl.
I bread my misery and drowned it in her.
And she got me high,
And I hardly noticed there were tears in her eyes.

And ~~I miss you~~ You miss me less and less everyday.
This stream of whiskey helps to wash you away.

And it's clear to see,
~~You're~~ I'm nothing special.
~~You're~~ I'm a skeleton key.

You've gotta let me know.
You've gotta let me know.
You've gotta let me know.
You've gotta let me know.

ercka @ 2007-11-12T23:15:00

2007-11-13T04:23:20Z

I could probably throw up right now. I'm really upset.

I'm tired of it all.

I didnt realize that someone could be so cold-hearted and filled with hate.

So you hate me now.

Fine.

I know now you never truly loved me. No matter what I did....you should never hate someone so much after claiming to love them like you did.

I know I wasn't important to you. I know I never will be.

I've tried so fucking hard to do whatever I can to make things right..or even a little better.

Go fuck yourself.

ercka @ 2007-11-10T04:34:00

2007-11-10T09:43:40Z

Im pretty sure Im getting sick. My nose is constantly running. Tonight I had to drive home with my windows open and the "heat" on (which is really cold air because my heat doesnt exist). I also had a small view to see where i was driving because my defrost wont work because alas it needs heat to work as well. So needless to say, I was freezing. But does that matter? No way..as long as my parents have nice warm vehicles..then things are fine and dandy. I'm sure this situation tonight wont help with the sickness issue.

I feel pretty..weird tonight. I can't explain it. Ive been feeling like being away from everyone lately, which is odd for me. I've just felt sad most of the day.

Went to applebees tonight and had dinner with my sisters, which was nice. I laughed a lot. I've missed times like those.

I randomly woke up the other day after drifting off to sleep while reading for school with two deep scratches on one of my hands. Still have no clue how it got there. I suppose I did it to myself?

I hate winter. What a dreadful season. It's not even officially winter yet...and I'm depressed. It definitely feels like it outside.

I have fall break after next week of classes. I get a full week off. That's pretty exciting. I'm still doing well in my classes. I got a 38 out of 40 on my micro test this past week. I was pretty pleased. Making either A's or high B's in everything. I'm really ready for the semester to be over. I made out my new schedule, and I only go to school three days this spring. Thats pretty cool. I suppose it doesn't matter though because I'll only have 2 weeks off during the summer because of all the classes I have to take during the summer.

Bleh to life and some of the sucky things in it.

I think I shall sleep.

The loss of a best friend

2007-11-09T07:49:18Z

Today I've been thinking of a lot of things I've been trying to repress and ignore. It hurts. It truly does.

I would like to go back and change the things I did, but I cannot. And sometimes you have to accept that people aren't going to forgive you for the mistakes you make. It will be something I live with for the rest of my life, and I hate myself for it.

I have never felt a pain quite like this. I guess I deserve it. I probably deserve to feel this way forever.

I can't explain things really. Sometimes you do things that really hurt the people you care about the most. Not because you are malicious. Not because you mean to, but because those people care about you so deeply that any movements you make in your life can affect them tremendously. You are emotionally attached to these people. And sometimes the mistakes you make can cut them like a knife. But it doesn't mean that they don't mean the world to you. It doesn't mean you don't love them.

Think about it. Would you really give a shit if someone on the street made a nasty comment about you, as opposed to someone you love. No..because that stranger means nothing to you..and neither does their opinion.

I don't know. I'm a fuck up. I know this. The only thing I can do is learn. But most of all, make that person see that the love I have for them is greater than any I've experienced in this lifetime.

I'm sorry.

I keep telling myself I'll stop, but it's never that easy..

2007-10-22T07:49:01Z

*sigh*

Sometimes i think I don't ever learn.

And hey you with your stars out, I have no angry words for you

2007-10-15T03:31:04Z

I suppose I'm well due for an actual update instead of song lyrics and random utterances of how horrible my life is.

I will start with the biggest change my life has seen in quite some time. Steven and I broke up for good about 3 weeks ago. If anyone cares to know, we dated for three and a half years. I guess you could say that we lasted a lot longer than most couples do who get together in high school. So go us I suppose. It is what it is.

I've haven't truly hung out with Samantha in a very long time. That can make things a little dim, but I'm being forced to survive for a while. Talks online alone are having to suffice. I miss her a lot. I haven't seen Leslie of course in a long time because she moved to PA. Samantha and I are supposed to drive there with her mom the first weekend of November, and I'm terribly excited. I need my best friends. She and I have been talking a lot lately online and through text the past month, compared to what we did while she was actually home. It's been amazing. She has helped me make so many life altering decisions that I know I couldn't have possibly had the guts to make alone. I wish she would come back home..haha..just as much as she wants me to move there with her. She better come back home after she finishes college. I don't know what I will do if I have all my friends scattered about the country. I had another offer to move to California around the new year. Very tempting, though I know I can't because of school.

Megan and I have been hanging out a little bit more, though I wish we'd get at least two days a week with each other. Our schedules suck though because we both have school and now she works. Good thing I'm being a bum right now and don't have a job or I'm sure that one day a week would turn into once every two weeks.

Brian and I have been hanging out the most I would say. He and I just got back from this weekend going to his friend's dorm at Purdue. I had so much fun. I haven't laughed so much in a long time. It was nice. I got to know one of his friends better, which is always cool. We seemed to get along pretty good...though I did punch him..unintentionally I swear...it was just a reflex or something cause I felt bad for doing it. He deserved it though..being a bully while we played super nintendo.

School has been going fairly well. I'm definitely ready for a break. I'm tired of reading so fucking much. But I have been doing very well on the tests for my classes so far. The semester has been zooming by, which is very surprising. There is about a month and a half of classes left in the semester...okay..so what..there might be a little more, but it makes me feel better to say a month and a half.

Home life is getting unbearable again. Seems like things are getting worse with just everything. I'm sick of whats going on, and I'm sick of being treated as I have been the past month or so.

So a bit of advice for people ever considering a job at old navy, gap, etc... don't apply online! I applied online at school in Bloomington back in April. I got a call back then, but couldnt make it to the interview. Anyway, I got a letter in the mail about 3 weeks ago saying that some computers got stolen at the company and my personal information was on the computers. They offered me free identity theft insurance stuff..but gave me other things I need to do alone to ensure that people can't get into any of my bank accounts or whatever. Needless to say, I was very excited.

Some exciting news! I lost some weight without even trying! I mean..thats pretty exciting to me. It had to of been like ten pounds. Hopefully this continues to happen.

So I really want to go to a haunted house for halloween sometime. I havent been since I was little. Megan is also supposed to be having a costume party, so that's pretty exciting.

Oh and I had the Nile for the first time last week. Not too bad, though some of the people that work there might be retarded.

I'm seeing more and more each day just how much I need to get a job. I really would rather not considering how much homework I usually have during the week and on sundays, and friday and saturday are my only breaks from all that. Bleh. I need to find someone who will hire me.

I think that's pretty much my life right now. At least I can't think of anything else.

ercka @ 2007-10-02T17:48:00

2007-10-02T21:49:29Z

Maybe I should just go die.